100 even less useful items

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Originally published in Dungeon magazine #142; “100 even less useful items”:


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1,[Animal.fantasyAll] scarecrow 1,[Animal.fantasyAll] sock puppet 1,[Creatures.Feathered] feather 1,Bag of bent and rusted iron spikes 1,Bag of dried acorns 1,Bagpipe made from a dead roper 1,Battle helm for a dire bear 1,Beaten-copper [Animal.fantasyAll]-shaped lamp stand and matching wash-basin 1,Belaying cleat, broken section of a pier, and a severed rope, all still tied together 1,Book of obscure heraldric symbols that incorporate unlikely devices, such as [Animal.fantasyAll] Rampant, [Animal.fantasyAll] Passant, [Animal.fantasyAll] Courant… 1,Book telling the story of prince Rosewater, Lord of the mighty order of Celestial Kobold Paladins 1,Bucket of [Animal.fantasyScaled] scales 1,Bucket of horseshoes that have been cut in half 1,Chess set carved to resemble gelatinous cubes and black puddings 1,Chest full of broken swords 1,Clay helm 1,Collection of bent forks in a scroll case labeled, “Don’t forget to eat!” 1,Collection of lewd [Animal.fantasyHumanoid] statuettes 1,Daisy chain made of dead centipedes 1,Dead mephit squished flat and inflated like a balloon 1,Double-ended trumpet 1,Dwarf hat stand 1,Eighty pebbles arranged by size and kept in separate bags 1,Eleven left boots 1,Fake skybleeder larva made from an inflated pigskin embroidered with strips of seaweed 1,Fake wooden pie of considerable size that smells like ale 1,Four jars labeled “kobold repellent” and filled with soap 1,Fur hat large enough for two small creatures to camp under 1,Giant’s coat hanger made of dire boar tusks 1,Huge book filled with pressed and dried assassin vines 1,Huge bucket filled with dried and fattened frogs 1,Huge copper plug for a colossal sink 1,Huge left boot made to resemble a house 1,Huge, elaborate [Animal.fantasyAll] puppet held aloft on great poles 1,Impossibly wide-brimmed hat fitted for a small humanoid head and covered in pictures of steaming pies 1,Iron goblet carved to resemble a [Animal.fantasyAll] 1,Jar of perfume labeled “Elixir of the Planes” -- a purely fanciful name 1,Kite made to resemble a [Animal.fantasyHumanoid] riding a [Animal.fantasyAll] 1,Knitted nightmare with red wool flames 1,Large collection of ferret masks, ferret costumes, and ferret puppets in a ferret-shaped trunk 1,Large dead constrictor snake with a gnome-shaped bulge in the middle (actually a dressmaker’s dummy) 1,Large glass jar containing a live slithering tracker (Dungeon #143) 1,Large model of a hill giant’s stockade constructed from spent torches 1,Large pile of ornate and colorful tiles bearing designs of writhing green worms 1,Large pot of purple ink 1,Large wooden [Animal.fantasyAll] 1,Legless tabletop painted in yellow and blue stripes 1,Length of bunting with the words “Welcome home [Fantasy Names.mainNoTitle]” on it 1,Life-sized topiary [Animal.fantasyAll] 1,Lute decorated with [Animal.fantasyFurred] fur and missing its strings 1,Mangle with a battleaxe stuck halfway through it 1,Milk chum full of stuffed voles 1,Milking stool labeled, “Property of [Fantasy Names.Start]” 1,Movable coat hanger for a person with three heads 1,Ninety-eight clay [Animal.fantasyAll] miniatures 1,Ornate, bat-themed mirror that only reflects vampires 1,Outrageously colorful outfit of hat, cloak, and breeches sewn with peacock feathers and labeled “Property of [Formal Names.mainNoTitle]” 1,Painting of a [Animal.fantasyAll] ridden by gnomes 1,Pair of 12-foot-high knitting needles 1,Pair of giant’s socks with many sewn holes and a family of cats living inside them 1,Pair of shields decorated with chicken motifs 1,Pantomime [Animal.fantasyAll] costume 1,Pile of mummy wrappings 1,Pile of stone cubes, each emblazoned with a different letter 1,Pillow stuffed with [Animal.fantasyFeatheredAnimal] feathers 1,Poem written on parchment which claims to reveal “the location of the Machine of [Fantasy Names.mainNoTitle] the Mad” 1,Quartet of [Animal.fantasyAll] masks 1,Quartet of cartoons depicting [Animal.fantasyHumanoid]s with their noses held aloft on stilts 1,Quartet of silhouette puppets made to look like [Animal.fantasyAll]s 1,Red scarf with tassels made to look like roper tentacles 1,Sack full of two-inch lengths of string 1,Selection of miniature toy alchemist’s tools and nonmagical potions 1,Selection of nasty-looking clown costumes sized for gnomes 1,Set of [Animal.fantasyAll] toys 1,Set of manacles for a spellweaver or similar six-armed creature 1,Set of maps of duck ponds of various sizes in dangerous regions 1,Shepherd’s crook with the words “Beware [Fantasy Names.mainNoTitle], Prince of Rams” carved on its crook 1,Sixty-eight wooden spoons painted green and numbered 12 through 80 1,Skull set with cheap fake gemstones, labeled “swearskull” in Orc 1,Small set of modular steps for a halfling, complete with wheels 1,Staff with the seemingly meaningless words “Mnnmff Phatarn” carved on its sides over and over 1,Stained-glass window depicting huge, bat-mouthed goblins chasing gnomes riding enormous hedgehogs 1,Stone helm fashioned like a hydra with the Goblin inscription, “To Chief Thumper XXXII, on the occasion of his fifth birthday -- Roar! Roar! Roar!” 1,Tankard filled with lard 1,Tin torch sconce in the shape of an illithid head 1,Tome titled “The Tale of [Fantasy Names.mainNoTitle], Mightiest of the Yak Folk” 1,Travel diaries of the ill-fated [Fantasy Names.Start] 1,Trio of broken dungeon doors 1,Trio of candlesticks made from mummified rats 1,Trio of embroidered pictures of blue manticores in flight 1,Twelve black sheepskins 1,Twelve broken broomsticks stuffed in a tall, pointy hat 1,Twenty gravestones with spelling errors riddling the epitaphs 1,Twenty-foot-long hunting horn 1,Two stuffed [Animal.fantasyAll]s that, by the look of them, might have been used as toys by a giant child 1,Two-foot-long wooden baton carved at one end to resemble a tongue 1,Unusable ten-bladed scimitar labeled “Deathreaper” on each blade in mystic runes 1,Weathered chapbook of what appears to be modron poetry 1,Welcome mat with “leave or die” written in Goblin 1,What appears to be a giant mouse wheel made of cart wheels, timbers, and rope 1,Wicker fireguard 1,Two jitneys </sgtable>