Conspiracy theories

This is intended for modern-day conspiracies. All are completely fictional fnord.

Conspiracies!
[main]

1,The [Illuminati], through their [Relationship] [Normalgroup], [Schemeverb] [Schememethod] [Schemegoal][Ending] 1,[Assertion] [Bogusevidence] [Therefore] the [Illuminati] [Schemeverb] [Schememethod] [Schemegoal][Ending]
 * main

1,It is obvious that 1,Since we all know that 1,It is a well-known fact that 1,Despite the lies of the Mainstream Media, the fact that 1,The fact that 1,The horrible fact that 1,Decoding the subliminal messages in popular music leads me to the inevitable conclusion that 1,Through hidden clues in [Cluesource], I have concluded that
 * Assertion

1,the Bible 1,the Koran 1,the Necronomicon 1,the Book of the SubGenius 1,the Principia Discordia 1,the Urantia Book 1,Dianetics 1,the Book of Mormon 1,the Tibetian Book of the Dead 1,the Egyptian Book of the Dead 1,the works of William Shakespeare 1,the works of Hunter S. Thompson 1,the works of Robert Anton Wilson 1,the Onion 1,the Sunday newspaper 1,Star Trek 1,Dungeons and Dragons 1,the chattering of insects in the night 1,pornographic Japanese cartoons 1,a sheaf of papers handed to me at midnight in a bus-stop by an anonymous informant
 * Cluesource

1,the moon landing was faked 1,Lee Harvey Oswald acted alone when he assassinated Kennedy 1,Lee Harvey Oswald did not act alone when he "assassinated" Kennedy 1,water fluoridation has deletrious effects, but the government keeps promoting it 1,"Spongebob Squarepants" remains bafflingly popular 1,the 9/11 attacks were set up by the government 1,vaccination causes autism 1,there are no less than three "Necronomicons" currently being published 1,Evolution continues to be taught in our schools 1,Elvis is still alive 1,Elvis is dead 1,the Templars have something to do with everything 1,Richard Nixon was framed 1,Osama bin Laden remains at large 1,[Bogusevidence] and [Bogusevidence] 1,most people naively believe "[Bogusevidence]", when it should be clear to any sane individual that [Bogusevidence]
 * Bogusevidence

1,therefore we must conclude that 1,it is obvious that 1,therefore 1,makes it plain that 1,can only mean that 1,leads us to conclude that 1,can only mean that
 * Therefore

1,Bavarian Illuminati 1,Templars 1,Discordian Society 1,[Aliens] 1,Gnomes of Zurich 1,Rosicrucians 1,Hypnocracy 1,Majestic-12 1,Milkman 1,Communist Gangster Frankenstein Computer-God 1,International Bankers 1,[Normalgroup] 3,[Secret Society Name.main]
 * Illuminati

1,Greys from Zeta Reticuli 1,Reptoids from the 5th dimension 1,mythical "Annunaki" 1,Benevolent Space Brothers 1,Unspeakable Things From Beyond
 * Aliens

1,mysterious backers 1,brainwashed lackies 1,dupes 1,pawns 1,unwitting minions 1,silent partners in 1,uneasy alliance with 1,strategic merger with 1,business partnership with 1,hidden links with
 * Relationship

1,the American Medical Association 1,the Homeopaths 1,the financial industry 1,Greenpeace 1,Wal-Mart 1,the Post Office 1,Microsoft 1,Apple Computers 1,the homeless people of the world 1,the Church of Scientology 1,the Church of the SubGenius 1,ACORN 1,Halliburton 1,McDonald's 1,Republican Party 1,Democratic Party 1,Green Party 1,Libertarians 1,Communists 1,organized crime 1,New Agers 1,the phone company 1,spammers 1,4Chan 1,Some guy in Fresno named "Steve" 1,the oil industry 1,Girl Scouts 1,Boy Scouts 1,the Military-Industrial Complex 1,[Normalgroup] and [Normalgroup] 1,[Illuminati]
 * Normalgroup

1,plan to 1,have hatched a devilish plot to 1,have already managed to 1,will
 * Schemeverb

1,corner the world rice market to 1,fluoridate the water supply to 1,use high-definition television to 1,beat up people at random to 1,fake another 9/11 disaster in order to 1,spread fear and panic as part of their plan to 1,inflame religious sentiment, which will 1,fake the moon landing, as part of their plan to 1,decimate the human population, to 1,infect specific minorities with AIDS in order to 1,melt the polar ice caps, which will allow them to 1,drive the economy into the ground, so as to 1,trigger a nuclear holocaust to 1,turn the planet Jupiter into a second sun, to 1,implant microchips in our teeth to 1,reverse-engineer UFO technology to
 * Schememethod

1,make fat stacks of cash 1,achieve total world domination 1,destroy their hated enemies, [Normalgroup] 1,re-elect the President 1,ascend to godhood 1,immenantize the Eschaton 1,bitch-slap Dan Brown 1,sell the planet to [Aliens] 1,cause the downfall of civilization 1,decimate the human population 1,melt the polar ice caps 1,get even with that kid in third grade 1,destroy Freedom forever 1,bring about the reign of the Antichrist 1,bring about the return of their master, C'thulhu
 * Schemegoal

1,! 1,. 1,. All we can do is [Cope] 1,! All we can do is [Cope] 1,. Do You Believe That? 1,. COPYING and DISSIMENATION of this IMPORTANT INFORMATION is ENCOURAGED.
 * Ending

1,put our head between our legs and kiss our asses goodbye. 1,pray fervently to die before this comes to pass. 1,get a rifle and start shooting at random. 1,adopt a strict vegetarian diet. 1,go on strike until the economy collapses. 1,lynch the villains responsible! 1,hide under the bed and hope it goes away. 1,invest heavily in canned food and shotguns. 1,flee to the hills! 1,party madly as human civilization collapses into a new Dark Age.
 * Cope