100 even less useful items

Originally published in Dungeon magazine #142; "100 even less useful items":

[item] 1,Bagpipe made from a dead roper 1,Knitted nightmare with red wool flames 1,Bucket of horseshoes that have been cut in half 1,Giant's coat hanger made of dire boar tusks 1,Large model of a hill giant's stockade constructed from spent torches 1,Pair of shields decorated with chicken motifs 1,Unusable ten-bladed scimitar labeled "Deathreaper" on each blade in mystic runes 1,Painting of a [Animal.fantasyAll] ridden by gnomes 1,Eleven left boots 1,Outrageously colorful outfit of hat, cloak, and breeches sewn with peacock feathers and labeled "Property of [Formal Names.mainNoTitle]" 1,Sixty-eight wooden spoons painted green and numbered 12 through 80 1,Impossibly wide-brimmed hat fitted for a small humanoid head and covered in pictures of steaming pies 1,Quartet of cartoons depicting NaN undefineds with their noses held aloft on stilts 1,Huge left boot made to resemble a house 1,Life-sized topiary [Animal.fantasyAll] 1,Two stuffed [Animal.fantasyAll]s that, by the look of them, might have been used as toys by a giant child 1,Skull set with cheap fake gemstones, labeled "swearskull" in Orc 1,Pair of 12-foot-high knitting needles 1,Set of [Animal.fantasyAll] toys 1,Large pot of purple ink 1,Stone helm fashioned like a hydra with the Goblin inscription, "To Chief Thumper XXXII, on the occasion of his fifth birthday -- Roar! Roar! Roar!" 1,Bucket of [Animal.fantasyScaled] scales 1,Collection of lewd [Animal.fantasyHumanoid] statuettes 1,Daisy chain made of dead centipedes 1,Clay helm 1,Bag of bent and rusted iron spikes 1,Huge bucket filled with dried and fattened frogs 1,Double-ended trumpet 1,Ninety-eight clay [Animal.fantasyAll] miniatures 1,Twelve broken broomsticks stuffed in a tall, pointy hat 1,Lute decorated with [Animal.fantasyFurred] fur and missing its strings 1,Large dead constrictor snake with a gnome-shaped bulge in the middle (actually a dressmaker's dummy) 1,Huge copper plug for a colossal sink 1,Fur hat large enough for two small creatures to camp under 1,Milk chum full of stuffed voles 1,Trio of candlesticks made from mummified rats 1,Length of bunting with the words "Welcome home [Fantasy Names.mainNoTitle]" on it 1,Ornate, bat-themed mirror that only reflects vampires 1,Selection of miniature toy alchemist's tools and nonmagical potions 1,Kite made to resemble a [Animal.fantasyHumanoid] riding a [Animal.fantasyAll] 1,Wicker fireguard 1,Beaten-copper [Animal.fantasyAll]-shaped lamp stand and matching wash-basin 1,Quartet of silhouette puppets made to look like NaN undefineds 1,Four jars labeled "kobold repellent" and filled with soap 1,Legless tabletop painted in yellow and blue stripes 1,Huge book filled with pressed and dried assassin vines 1,Pile of mummy wrappings 1,Fake wooden pie of considerable size that smells like ale 1,[Animal.fantasyAll] sock puppet 1,Two-foot-long wooden baton carved at one end to resemble a tongue 1,Chess set carved to resemble gelatinous cubes and black puddings 1,Trio of embroidered pictures of blue manticores in flight 1,[Creatures.Feathered] feather 1,Dead mephit squished flat and inflated like a balloon 1,Sack full of two-inch lengths of string 1,Poem written on parchment which claims to reveal "the location of the Machine of [Fantasy Names.mainNoTitle] the Mad" 1,Tin torch sconce in the shape of an illithid head 1,Twenty-foot-long hunting horn 1,Large wooden [Animal.fantasyAll] 1,Twelve black sheepskins 1,Iron goblet carved to resemble a [Animal.fantasyAll] 1,Staff with the seemingly meaningless words "Mnnmff Phatarn" carved on its sides over and over 1,Shepherd's crook with the words "Beware [Fantasy Names.mainNoTitle], Prince of Rams" carved on its crook 1,Battle helm for a dire bear 1,Pair of giant's socks with many sewn holes and a family of cats living inside them 1,Jar of perfume labeled "Elixir of the Planes" -- a purely fanciful name 1,Red scarf with tassels made to look like roper tentacles 1,Mangle with a battleaxe stuck halfway through it 1,Twenty gravestones with spelling errors riddling the epitaphs 1,Fake skybleeder larva made from an inflated pigskin embroidered with strips of seaweed 1,Book of obscure heraldric symbols that incorporate unlikely devices, such as [Animal.fantasyAll] Rampant, [Animal.fantasyAll] Passant, [Animal.fantasyAll] Courant... 1,[Animal.fantasyAll] scarecrow 1,Collection of bent forks in a scroll case labeled, "Don't forget to eat!" 1,Large collection of ferret masks, ferret costumes, and ferret puppets in a ferret-shaped trunk 1,Set of manacles for a spellweaver or similar six-armed creature 1,Bag of dried acorns 1,Tome titled "The Tale of [Fantasy Names.mainNoTitle], Mightiest of the Yak Folk" 1,Weathered chapbook of what appears to be modron poetry 1,Huge, elaborate [Animal.fantasyAll] puppet held aloft on great poles 1,Tankard filled with lard 1,Set of maps of duck ponds of various sizes in dangerous regions 1,Dwarf hat stand 1,Small set of modular steps for a halfling, complete with wheels 1,Eighty pebbles arranged by size and kept in separate bags 1,Welcome mat with "leave or die" written in Goblin 1,Book telling the story of prince Rosewater, Lord of the mighty order of Celestial Kobold Paladins 1,Pillow stuffed with [Animal.fantasyFeatheredAnimal] feathers 1,Pile of stone cubes, each emblazoned with a different letter 1,Trio of broken dungeon doors 1,Milking stool labeled, "Property of [Fantasy Names.Start]" 1,Belaying cleat, broken section of a pier, and a severed rope, all still tied together 1,Large pile of ornate and colorful tiles bearing designs of writhing green worms 1,What appears to be a giant mouse wheel made of cart wheels, timbers, and rope 1,Chest full of broken swords 1,Selection of nasty-looking clown costumes sized for gnomes 1,Quartet of [Animal.fantasyAll] masks 1,Stained-glass window depicting huge, bat-mouthed goblins chasing gnomes riding enormous hedgehogs 1,Large glass jar containing a live slithering tracker (Dungeon #143) 1,Movable coat hanger for a person with three heads 1,Pantomime [Animal.fantasyAll] costume
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